I was so excited for 2020. I bought into all the vision puns and made a vision board. One of my visions was getting back into the dating scene. My ultimate dream is to meet someone in the grocery store produce aisle or have one of my married friends set me up. Instead, I made the bold (or foolish depending on your stance, which I don't care about) choice to activate an online dating profile in January. I've had 1-2 meaningful relationships with men I met online. Still, I'm a homebody, so unless the next delivery guy is single and ready to Christian mingle, Bumble would have to do. It was going ok until it wasn't. I mean…when you're filtering everyone through the possibility of them having a 300 credit score and the Rona, it might not be the season for dating. Nevertheless, I didn't persist and went into quarantine alone.
I don't think a lot of people think about those who are single during this time. Our individual seat and experiences filter how we process life and the world. I am fully aware that broadly speaking, this season is easier in some respects for me. It's not easy for anyone working in healthcare during this pandemic, essential workers, or anyone with the virus. My heart goes out to all of you.
Most days, I am OK with being single. You’ll know when I hate it. My life is full in some of the most important ways, but there are still some doors that remain locked. I would love to be a wife and a mom and sitting at home day in and out since March 11th has made me hyper-aware of that.
A few weeks after the stay at home mandate became more rigid, I made a trip to Trader Joe's. After a few minutes, my heart started racing, and my vision started to get dark in my peripheral as I stood in line to be let in. I was suddenly triggered by every person walking by in their mask or when someone sneezed simply because of allergies. I weirdly felt rejected when someone did this weird half-moon walk around me to avoid invading my 6-feet personal bubble. I had a full-blown panic attack. I stepped out of line, jetted for my car, ripped my mask off, and cried. Thank you to the sweet lady who knocked on my window to ask if I was OK. I was triggered by the reality of the lack of support or someone to shoulder the responsibilities of my household. And it's lonely. It's not good for anyone to spend this much time in isolation as we have.
I admit that sometimes my desire for my own family comes from more ego-driven places. I want to feel validated or accepted, and I thought a husband & kids could fix that. But this feeling? This was instinctual, threatened, terrified loneliness that I just needed a hug and a pandemic partner to go scavenge for tortilla chips on Cinco de Mayo, and neither were available. I didn't know how long I would be alone in every sense of the word. It was a little too quiet in my humble abode. I became scared after reading the news that one of the symptoms of the virus is the inability to wake up ie, you could wake up dead. WHO'S GONNA BE IN MY HOUSE TRYING TO WAKE ME UP? Check on your single friends, people.
Like many people, I've been filling the days with work from home, zoom calls, training my 5-month-old puppy, and exercising because sundress season will not sneak up on me and I not be ready. But I've also been filling the time with a deep exploration of self and embracing the stillness. For the first time in a long time, I've been able to sit and see myself. All the little quirks that make me who I am, the scar on my forehead, the length of my natural hair, and how l love to laugh at myself has made this time alone meaningful in that I've fallen in love with me again. I've been able to remove the pressures of the world and the pressure I put on myself, and I've embraced a simpler lifestyle that will be easier to sustain as we move towards new routines. I don't want to go back to normal. That didn't entirely work for me.
In the two months we've been quarantined, I've come face to face with unforgiveness I've been harboring towards many people from previous seasons of life. I've reignited my passion for reading for hours on end, and I've taken classes to spark my creative side. I've embraced cooking. Most importantly, I have learned how to sit in silence and not try to fill the space because my thoughts won't let me be great. When I feel sadness and disappointment from all the canceled plans for the year, I sit with those emotions. When I feel lonely, I hug my puppy. I don't let my emotions rule me or ignore my desires, but I give them their space. I pray and surrender them to God, and then I resolve that He has a healthy track record of turning any unfortunate series of events into a beautiful part of His master plan. And, I'm OK. Today.
I don't know how much longer we will bored in the house and in the house bored, and I don't plan on learning a new language or baking bread, but I am coming out a little more whole and in tune with myself.
I'm still so hopeful for the remainder of 2020 as I move towards new routines I've established for myself and be able to say I am enough, I have enough, and I do enough because I did what was essential for me to do during this time. And if the Amazon guy, or my future husband, shows up tomorrow with VHS tapes and a box of MoonPies because I can’t stop giving Amazon all my monies, it is what it is.
Chat with me: How have you been handling quarantine, single friends?
Stay safe, friends,
